July 20, 2011

I did it, I saw HP8 (loved it!!!), I got in my workout yesterday afternoon and I lost weight again this week!!!

I was so very nervous this morning to weigh myself.  I finally got on the scale after giving myself a pep talk, which went something like: whether I lost weight or not I’m not giving up, I’m moving forward regardless.

My worry was foundless, I lost 2.2 pounds in the last week, which makes my two-week total 4 pounds!!!  I’m also proud to report that my BMI is now 29.5, just under the obese line.  I’d find this little feet a little more exciting if it wasn’t the 2nd time I’d done it since memorial day.  We’ll see if I can keep the scale going down this time and not right back up.

The fact that I lost weight while I spent the majority of my week away from home is pretty empowering.  I’m hoping to keep my forward progress going, I’ve got a long way to go before I make many of my new patterns into habits.

I was thinking yesterday about my history with weight, it’s a long one.  As a dancer I started worrying about my weight before I entered my teens.  Before I was out of elementary school I had a judge at a competition say to me that I was cute, but fat.  I can tell you now that I was not fat, not even close.  I was not born with a ballerina’s slim figure, and thus 2 1/2 decades later I’m finally dealing with it all with a clear mind.  After this mean judge’s comments I always thought of myself as unthin, not overweight, but not thin.  I always worried about my weight.  I didn’t diet per say growing up, but I was very active.  My BMI in high school was 19.2, which is at the low-end of normal weight, and I thought I wasn’t thin!  I now know how distorted my vision of my body was.  After college I grew to a BMI of 21.9 (which is my current long-range goal), which is about middle of the normal weight range.  I became depressed about my weight and my hibernation years began.  I was actually embarrassed about how I looked.  I can hardly believe it now, I mean that poor young woman felt so bad about herself and I wasn’t even fat!!!  As my depression grew, so did I.  My ending weight of my 1st pregnancy (with baby still inside my belly) was the starting weight for my 2nd pregnancy and until recently was the weight I was maintaining.  Well at least after baby #2 I got back to my pre-baby #2 weight and maintained it for 2 years, small feet I know, but it could have been worse.  Finally earlier this year I accepted my situation, finally got the cojones to deal with it and finally my weight-loss journey began.

Perspective, I needed some and I’m getting there.  When I look in the mirror sometimes I see the progress and other times I see the fat.  My goal is to see myself, really see myself, not the fat and stop beating up on myself.  One of my favorite blogger’s weekly goals is to love herself more and I so need to work on this.  I’m still dealing with angry thoughts towards myself, i.e. how did I allow myself to get to this point!  Stop that, just cut it out, it’s not helping, not doing me any good, not moving me forward.

I’m realizing now that the last time I was successful in losing more than 5 pounds (more than 10 years ago), I was about 5 pounds from my current goal weight.  Which means after just a week or two I could really see the change and began to really like how my body looked.  Talk about quick results right, well hello, because back than I wasn’t actually fat, gosh I wish I could go back and shake that girl!!  According to my schedule I won’t get to that weight and that body until the end of the year and I don’t want to wait that long to like how I look.  Why should I have to?  I’m not talking about being satisfied with my weight, I’m talking about not being disgusted with how I look.  This is going to be my short-term goal, to figure out how to love myself more now.  To start I’m going to let the proud feelings of 4 pounds lost sink in and feel all good and continue to trust the process!!

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2 thoughts on “July 20, 2011

  1. Congrats on your loss this week!!! Yay! Also, I am thrilled to hear your BMI is at 29.5. Woo hoo! However, I was hoping to hear more about what you thought of HP. I bawled like a baby. I had to keep blowing my nose because I couldn’t breathe and I know the people around me weren’t very excited to hear me. I thought they did a great job wrapping everything up ad ending the series. Very sad. I think I should read them again!

  2. Oh yes, I cried like a baby. Snape’s history and his unexpected love for Harry always gets me crying pretty hard. I think they did a great job too. I’m so glad they split the last book in two, so they didn’t have to cut much!!! My husband thinks they could have cut the happy ending scene. What ever!!…men, they just don’t get it!! 🙂 It was so cool how they got them to all look old at the end, like me 🙂 🙂

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